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“The Interview”

May 6, 2011

Pick me.

Pick me because I brought donuts to this interview, and it is clear you like donuts. Pick me because I can obviously read people well and understand when not to mention weight gain.

Pick me because I am able to demonstrate an acute understanding of important sounding words like interdisciplinary, capitalize, monetize, product deployment, and parse observational model without knowing what they mean.

Pick me because I will not only deliver on the promises I make, but I will deliver on the promises I make that you take credit for.

Pick me because I have served fries with that.

Pick me because innovation matters, and you can see that in the way I used my roommate’s urine instead of my own in this cup.

Pick me because I know how to cut corners.

Pick me because I have no children, no family, no friends and could spend my weekend excited about what I will do when I get to work on Monday.

Pick me because dignity is negotiable, like as in exchange for unlimited coffee provision.

Pick me because the others didn’t give you a three-page resume and single space it tightly as knots on needles with information like how my old boss would come to me to buy his weed. Pick me because I can buy you weed.

Pick me because other candidates won’t understand you which is to say that I get you, I have been where you are and where you are going. You don’t want to be pandered to. You worked hard to get to become Assistant Managerto the Vice-President of the Shipping Department, and it shows. So, maybe other candidates might try to sleep with you or buy you dinner or perhaps offer up expensive gifts to secure their position. You are above such disingenuous behavior, unless you aren’t. In which case, pick me because I will sleep with you and buy you dinner.

Pick me because your voice completes me.

Pick me because I would love to hear from you. Over lunch, during breaks, on vacation, at two in the morning when you suddenly have an idea that sounds like my idea from two weeks before but only now becomes relevant.

Pick me because I am fluent in the language of Apologetic. Restraint. Cheerful resentment.

Pick me because I will be the silent partner on assignments you don’t understand, you don’t know how to do, you can’t even explain to your bosses and so CC: me on the email to make a powerpoint. Pick me, and I will use that cool transition between presentation pages.

Pick me because dignity is not something I have gotten used to. Pick me because I have worked since I was 14 and still barely accumulate enough money to buy a used car. Pick me because every check I cash costs me money, because every minute I am late is reason to dock my pay. Pick me because English may not be my first language, but greed is international.

Pick me because my aspirations end here.

Pick me.

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